thoughts for today

My cousin treated me and my sisters for haircuts today. I am really happy with the way mine turned out! The girls' haircuts look awesome too... they're just not as happy about it haha. I think they look great, but I'm just the older sister so I don't count. I am really worried about my sister... I think she may be Bipolar, but I can't say that to my Mom because when I do, she flips out. She can have the highest highs and be really happy and than all of a sudden, she is deeply depressed. This can happen in a matter of seconds! She just flips! Totally different person in minutes. I don't know what to do! I am freaking out because she doesn't know whats wrong and I don't know and Mom wont accept that she may be bipolar or depressed. When my Dad passed away 6 years ago, we all went through it differently. I've been depressed recently, but I feel like my sister has something else going on. She is not doing well in school and she doesn't seem to care about anything anymore. She doesn't hang out with her friends anymore and she goes into her room and sleeps or just stays in there by herself and I can't get her to talk to me. I worry so much about her. I don't want her to be depressed. She is young and has a whole life to be living out and she is sitting in her room. I want her to be happy. :[

Sad ;[

Today I went with my Mom for her Mamogram appointment, I can't wait to not ever do that haha. Unfortunatley, breast cancer runs in the family so I'll have to go... ;/ Anyways, I went to Baskin Robins with my friend Courtney and her 2 younger sisters and my sister Melyssa... the one we went to did not have the Reeses Peanutbutter Cup icecream thing! They were rude too... threw my icecream in a bag and got peanutbutter sauce all over ;[ Oh well... fun times anyway haha. So... nothing too exciting, I'm just tired of the cold. I am ready for SUMMER!

Randomness that I think of.

I don't know what it is, but I can start thinking of some of the most random things ever. Especially when I am trying to sleep. I have a hard time sleeping because my mind is constantly going and I am always thinking about something or other and I just can't seem to shut it off. I can think of my day or something that happened so long ago that it's weird that I even thought of it. Sometimes I will see something or hear something that'll remind me of stuff but usually it'll just come up on its own haha. I don't know why. Anyways, I was thinking about the Tyra show episode where she had gay people on and people who think being homosexual is wrong. This is what I feel, leave them ALONE! It's not a personal choice, it's sexuality. They can't choose who they're attracted to. If they could, I think they would honestly be straight so that they wouldn't be hassled or harrassed about being homosexual. REALLY NOW! Who wants to be bashed and hated for their sexuality? I am straight and I was born straight. Gay/Lesbians are just born being gay/lesbian. Let's be honest, I didn't wake up one day and say, "I choose to be straight." I just was and am. I have gay and lesbian family members and I don't see anything wrong with it. I can't be biased either because honestly I am not that close with that part of the family and I don't see them that often. Then on Tyra they were talking about how its a disease... if it was then being straight is one too. Also, the bible saying it's wrong. Do we follow EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of the bible always? No. We do not. And things have changed and the times have changed. Now, I don't really know too much about it, but Prop 8... why give gays/lesbians rights and then snatch it away!? REDICULOUS! Abusrd. I can't see the point in giving something and then taking it away. This is America, where everyone is created equal. HA HA. Right.

My life has come to this....

Babysitting, yet again. You know, I am 19 years old, I was going to go out with my friends and chill and be YOUNG! But no, my Aunt can't babysit her own grandkids because she is "tired." I told her this morning I had plans, but she is "stuck" again. She isn't even doing anything. So I will make the long effin drive up to my cousin's house to watch his girls yet again so she can do... I don't even know what she is doing! She has no plans! Ugh! I am stuck babysitting all the time! I love those girls I really do, but it's not like this is an important thing my cousin is going to. It's a soccer or softball party... whatever thing he joined with his wife. I love them but come on! I was going out!!!! Ger once in awhile, when they are stuck for something important, but come on. Now, I'll be babysitting from like 7 to 12am and THEY SAY THEY'LL BE BACK by 12 but I know they won't be back til like 1:30... 2am. Maybe even later! Ugh this is pissing me off! I do love my girls though and they'll be in bed most of the time but honestly, I could have been out being stupid with friends, and now I'll be babysitting... sitting there. Guess I'll catch up on reading... yay me. Look at those girls, they're so adorable and cute and I love them, and they're always good for me when I watch them but I had to tell my friends I can't hang and now they'll be mad at me! Stupid shit and drama but still. ;[ FML!

Weather is weird today!

I am missing the sunshine and the warmth for sure! It's not cold out but it's chilly and so cloudy and depressing! Hmm, Well I really can't wait to enroll in the writing institute and get started. I am really excited. Now all I need to do is get a job and make some money. I wanna help my Mom out. I need to start paying for my own cell phone, gas, and stuff for my car. She wants me to be able to get stuff when I want to and if I have the money I can just get what I want haha. Anyways, I was just thinking about something that was kinda weird...

Now I love Tyra Banks, I love watching her talk show and Top Model, but sometimes she is really annoying haha. She over-talks her guests sometimes and idk I love her but sometimes I wanna punch her in the face. I'm sure people feel that way about me haha, it happens. She is definitely gorgeous! Lucky bitch haha.

Oh well, maybe I'll write later. Peace out for now.

First blog...

So this is my first blog. I don't really know what I will be using this for. Nothing too important other than some random thoughts I feel like I need to get off my chest. I feel like my life is at a stand-still. A few weeks ago, I felt like I was sliding towards nothing and my life was going to be full of emptiness. Then, I got a letter in the mail from a writing institute, saying that they had accpeted me. I applied and took an aptitude test about a month ago. I was really shocked but so happy and excited that I got in; and the best part is that I can afford to go... or my Mom can afford to pay for me. So I feel less depressed but I feel like something is still missing. I keep applying for job after job and no one is hiring right now. Maybe if I have something to do everyday, I can start to feel better about myself. Make my own money, buy what I want... pay for my car and gas for once instead of letting Mom do it all for me. I mean really now. I am a pathetic excuse for a person. I want to get on with my life and do more and achieve success and be happy.

I guess why I felt like this is because it's a Friday night, and my friends don't really do anything. I am stuck at home doing nothing, AGAIN, and why? Or if they do go and do something, they don't ask me, and honestly, I don't think I am a bad friend or a mean friend. I support everything they want to do. I never judge them. I am 19, I wanna go out and do whatever! I wanna do SOMETHING. I am tired of living my life the way I am. I need a push to change my perspective on life. I dunno, I feel shitty I guess. I am worried about my Mom. She is really sick, she isn't taking care of herself. My sisters don't do anything... one of them is heading into a hole that I don't even know how to get her out of. I wish my Dad were here. He would know what to do. He was so great at everything. I miss him so much.

I don't know what else to say. I need to start my life over.